Archive for 2017

Im tired.

Im tired living a life full of lies. Im done dealing with the same shit all over again. Ive had enough stabs from the roses u were holding, when it was actually a knife in disguise.

Im tired.

Im tired making excuses to my parents just to be with u, (my past) for exerting an effort just to prove my love for u. Im done fighting for love, for keeping the fire alive, when all I wanted was to see the snow and feel the winter. Ive had enough bruises in my heart, from every word u say, including the I love u's, my mind tells me the opposite and my heart gets the consequence. Im done dealing with every reasons I tend to say to myself, when the words I needed hear to were the things I keep on ignoring.

Im sorry.

Im sorry for telling u I love u. I mean it but I can't show it. I dont want u to fall deeper, so its better of this way. Im sorry, that u have to go through this with me. Im sorry for pulling u in this situation. I thought its what I wanted, but it was not, at all. Im sorry for letting u fall for me, without the intention of catching u. Im sorry for being selfish, when all I think about is myself and my future, instead of ur feelings, but trust me, I never wanted this to happen, I didn't expect this would come to an end.

Again.

Im tired. Im sorry..

When you don't think you're good enough, you push people away. You assume that every relationship is going to end in heartbreak, that you're going to mess it all up. You think that the other person will either get bored of you or annoyed by you and will leave as soon as you get attached. You can't imagine anyone staying for long, because you dont think you have anything worth giving. And when you don't think you're good enough, you question the motive of every kind word and every smile aimed in your directions. You wonder why someone is treating you so well. You feel as if you dont deserve it. You dont like to get close to people, because people have a habit of dissapointing you. They get your hopes up, make you feel like they're becoming a permanent part of your life, and then you lose them. They fade out of your life just as quickly as they entered it and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Thats why you never ever let it start. You keep yourself isolated, telling yourself its better to be alone, its better to keep your heart in a cage where it has no chance of getting bruised and beaten. When you dont think you're good enough. You dont give yourself the opportunity to flourish. Instead of letting someone into your life, you push them out of it. You keep yourself safe. You never give yourself the chance to get rejected - but that means you aren't giving yourself the chance to be accepted either. You aren't giving yourself the opportunity to be loved, to be held, to be happy. When you dont think you're good enough, you are doing yourself a disservice. You are tricking yourself into believing an ugly, self-destructive lie. But the beautiful truth is that you're valuable. You're worthwhile. And anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. You might feel like you aren't good enough, but you are.

You are.

Just because I stopped waiting for you and hoping for you to come back, doesn't mean I still don't love you. However, I have learned that you cannot keep a wild thing; there is no point of holding onto something that I don't have any assurance of. It only causes hurt -- and I need to live a happier and more peaceful life. I need to do this, not because of you, or even for you, but for myself.

So, if gaining the best for myself means letting your "maybes" go, then I must be willing to do it. I must grab this opportunity to grow, to recover all the time that I've lost, to discover new things, to create new relationships, to make wonderful memories, especially with my friends and family, to achieve the things that are ahead of me, and to become this woman I've always wanted to be.

All the tears we wept and problems we faced, they were bridges to something more extravagant, and I truly believe in that. All the stories we made, wishes that we once clung to, plans that were thoroughly laid out, and good memories we collected, shared and treasured - they are pieces of us that no one can ever take away.

And yes, you left a mark on me that no one could ever replace. I'll forever love you for that. I'll love you in a way that accepts you as the person who changed me, who gave me the inspiration to make myself better than before, and to love myself better than before, and to love myself even more. I'll love you for the friendship and companionship we've established and shared. I'll love you for the way you helped me through this cruel life. I'll love you in a way that will still leave space for you, if we would ever stumble across each other 5, 10 or 20 years from now. And if we run into one another then, I'd be pleased to know your story over a cup of tea or coffee.

But you are gone right now, and I can't focus on trying to get you back. I can't keep running after you. You'll always be special to me, but I must go. I must go..

Time taught me that as much as I loved you, I couldn't change you. I couldn't make you love me the way I needed to be loved. And in the end, that mattered more than my swelling heart. In the end I wanted you to be something you couldn't, something you wont't ever be. And now I understand why people say love isn't fair, because you can give everything you have to someone and end up empty, because you can love with your entire being and still be alone, because you can want something, want someone so bad, but that doesn't mean you'll be together in the end. And im slowly learning this lesson. I thought I had all the answers when it came to us. That one day we would float back into each other's lives like we never left. I thought I knew you, knew my heart, knew the depth of our love. But maybe you're supposed to settle the dust, fade like an old filmstrip, set like the sun at the end of the day -- a reminder of who we were, who I was standing next to you. Maybe you're meant to be a memory, a beautiful piece of my heart i'll never forget. A section of my life, carved away with love and care. Maybe you'll always matter to me, but that's all you will be -- times lesson that I now must let go of. Maybe we aren't meant to become, aren't meant to reattach, aren't meant to rewrite the past and begin a new story. And maybe im learning to be okay with that.

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